Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Randomize
