The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
