It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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