I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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