your room smells of hookers.
And success
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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