in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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