New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
