win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
