I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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