My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
