But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
