Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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