I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
