Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
