I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
