She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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