so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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