I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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