I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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