This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
