Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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