I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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