So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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