I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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