is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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