I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
