This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
