Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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