he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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