Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
