every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
