I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
