how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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