sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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