whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
