Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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