I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
