Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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