All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
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It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
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I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i believe in u and ur pee
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