I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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