Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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