UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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