i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
