dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
