If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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