my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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