Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
