Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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