Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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