i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
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I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
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Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize