after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
