I just pynch a tree in the face
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
