My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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