i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
