I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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